meddow: Malcolm and Nicola from The Thick of It (Nicola)
[personal profile] meddow
I was going to do an episode review, but ended up writing fic instead. Well, somebody had to write it.

The Angry Spider by Malcolm Tucker
Author: [livejournal.com profile] meddow
Rating: PG-13 for language (of course)
Warnings: It's a children's book written by Malcolm Tucker. So, strong language and violent sexual imagery.
Spoilers: For episode 3x08
Summary: 'There once was an angry spider.'

The Angry Spider by Malcolm Tucker.

There once was an angry spider.

This spider was angry not because he’d failed to catch a fly, or because he’d woken up on the wrong side of the bed.

Oh no. He was angry because he’d been swept down a fucking drainpipe. Not just swept, he was fucking pushed. And he wasn’t angry, he was furious. His wrath, it could be felt in the hills and it could he felt in the seas. It could be heard on the plains and heard in the fucking coal mines. And it was known to all the little insects in little happy insect town in magic insect land.

And this wrath – this terrifying force of nature - was directed at the being that pushed him.

Fuck it, the publisher’s outline calls for a prey mantis, but this guy can be a rat. A big fucking plague carrying rat with two great big shiny fucking bald heads and psychotic tendencies. This rat was the handsome spider’s arch nemesis, a being so fucking evil, it’s plotting the murder of your parents and the fucking arse rape of your teddy bear right now.

But the cunning spider, he was not down and he was not out. No matter what the fucking hack journalists of fucking magic insect land said.

Because, you know and I know, kids, that spiders can spin webs. And this spider had spun a web. A web lined with black magic and fucking razor blades. For this spider was the best web spinner in all the land.

And one dark, dark night when the moon had risen and the wolves were howling, the spider called upon the dark lords of the underworld and he beseeched them, ‘send me the rat.’

The dark lords of the underworld listened to this humble spider’s prayer. They sent out a signal and the rat came running, running for the spider, lunging for the kill, only to become entangled in the clever spider’s web.

The web wrapped around the rat’s neck and its claws, getting tighter and tighter as the rat struggled, burying itself into the rats flesh and sawing through its bones. All the while the vengeful spider watched on.

It was pure fucking carnage.

And when the bleeding had stopped and the rat ceased to writhe, the victorious spider climbed upon its mutilated hide.

‘I will not be fucked!’ he roared.

And the pheasants of and villagers of happy insect town cheered for their two-headed, baldy, snivelling, plague-carrying oppressor had been defeated and their rightful ruler restored.

And they all lived happily ever after.


“It’s moving tale about the little guy overcoming oppression and adversity. Like Harry Potter.”

“But with more garrotting? Malcolm, I’m not letting my child or any child read this.”

“What? You’d rather have him read about an obese caterpillar? What’s that teaching them? Eat and eat and eat and eat and you’ll become a fucking butterfly? More like eat and eat and eat and you’ll be lifted out of your house one day by a fucking crane.”

“The dodgy moral of The Very Hungry Caterpillar aside, do I start with the language....”

“I edited it,” Malcolm interjected.

“...the violence, or the blatant self-insert that is your protagonist?”

“Everybody’s a fucking critic. Not even if I give you a signed first edition copy?”

Nicola shook her head.

“Well, if I can’t even get you the fucking queen of fucking shit ideas to endorse it, good thing I kept my day job, I suppose,” he said with a grin that managed to be both devilish and charming at the same time.

As Malcolm strode out of her office with his re-found sense of purpose, Nicola sunk back into her chair and wished that just once the lords of the underworld or whatever evil deity that kept Malcolm Tucker lord of Downing Street would side with her.

Date: 2009-12-14 07:39 am (UTC)
ext_41681: (Default)
From: [identity profile] catslash.livejournal.com
*draws hearts EVERYWHERE this time* At some point, this became my go-to method of denoting approval on the internets. I don't know why.

But: ILU. This was hilarious. I was hearing the entire story in Malcolm's voice, and the strikeouts were killing me even BEFORE I got to "I edited it." Forget the sneaky phonecalls to Yale, man, THAT was Malcolm's revenge for Nicola's not backing him up.

In conclusion: ♥

Date: 2009-12-14 07:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you! I was so hoping I got the voice right. And I like to think that the Yale phone calls was just the start of Malcolm's revenge.

Date: 2009-12-14 09:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mailroomy.livejournal.com
ah! Oh lordie! If that doesn't effing kill me! :)
That's a great Malcolm-voice you got happening, there.

Date: 2009-12-15 06:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm really glad you like the Malcolm voice - I was worried about it.

Date: 2009-12-14 10:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thecatinthetree.livejournal.com
Oh my that's absolutely wonderful.

Date: 2009-12-15 06:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2009-12-14 11:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nebula99.livejournal.com
*G* That's excellent.

Date: 2009-12-15 06:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thanks!

Date: 2009-12-14 11:25 am (UTC)
erinpuff: (Keith Flail)
From: [personal profile] erinpuff
:D :D :D This is awesome x100000.

Date: 2009-12-15 06:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2009-12-14 12:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adroidmortox247.livejournal.com
Bloody brilliant, and so incredibly Malcolm.

Still, why do I get the feeling Jamie would end up illustrating it?

Date: 2009-12-14 01:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roboplege.livejournal.com
Now I'm imaging Jamie and Malcolm writing one together like Bernard and Manny in Black Books :D

Date: 2009-12-15 02:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] neverfaraway.livejournal.com
This is exactly what I imagined while watching on Saturday! XD

"Oooooh, the monkey's got it in the tree! They all drink lemonade! The end."

Date: 2009-12-15 06:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Malcolm and Jamie collaborating on a childrens book would be hilarious! And thank you.

Date: 2009-12-14 01:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roboplege.livejournal.com
This is the best thing in the whole world ever.

Date: 2009-12-15 06:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2009-12-14 02:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] degroove.livejournal.com
Congratulations, you win the internet :D I just woke up to this and I can't believe the sheer brilliance of this <3

Date: 2009-12-15 06:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thanks :D

Date: 2009-12-14 05:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spraytainted.livejournal.com
This was hilarious! The Malcolm/Nicola dialogue was spot on, I laughed out loud at this bit:

"It’s a moving tale about the little guy overcoming oppression and adversity. Like Harry Potter.”

“But with more garrotting? Malcolm, I’m not letting my child or any child read this.”

“What? You’d rather have him read about an obese caterpillar? What’s that teaching them? Eat and eat and eat and eat and you’ll become a fucking butterfly? More like eat and eat and eat and you’ll be lifted out of your house one day by a fucking crane.”


Sorry for quoting a large chunk back to you, but yeah, hilarious!

Date: 2009-12-15 06:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you! It's great know you enjoyed it!

Date: 2009-12-14 05:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shuffleduck.livejournal.com
This is just perfection. Ever since that episode I've been quietly pondering, 'What would a children's story by Malcolm be like?' and this, oh so much, is it -- it's wonderful, so brilliantly in-character, even in the narrative of the 'kids' story I can hear Malcolm's voice reading it, and picture him angrily battering at the keys of his computer while typing it out XD

The whole thing made me snigger and giggle, and by the end with Nicola, I was grinning wildly.

This is hilarious and wonderfully well done, thank you for writing this! It's perfect!

Date: 2009-12-15 06:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm really glad you like it :D

Date: 2009-12-14 10:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] britfan1013.livejournal.com
Hahaha! This is wonderful. XD

Date: 2009-12-15 06:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2009-12-14 10:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] arathesane.livejournal.com
Beautiful, absolutely fucking beautiful!!!

Date: 2009-12-15 06:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thanks!

Date: 2009-12-14 10:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sophieisgod.livejournal.com
Ahh, this is so fantastic! :DDD

Date: 2009-12-15 06:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2009-12-14 10:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ac-123.livejournal.com
why did I start uncontrollably giggling at "the fucking arse rape of your teddy bear".

And boo what Nicola says. I will let my children read this (once I get some).

Date: 2009-12-15 06:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
I was giggling writing that bit :)

Date: 2009-12-14 11:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cannibalcake.livejournal.com
So. Much. LOVE.

This NEEDED to be written. Thank you. It was wonderful. Perfect.

Date: 2009-12-15 06:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2009-12-14 11:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] runawaynun.livejournal.com
This is amazing. :D And I love Malcolm's skewering of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

Date: 2009-12-15 06:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you :D And I just had to take the piss out of my favourite picture book.

Date: 2009-12-15 12:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grenadine.livejournal.com
Oh, my God, this is fantastic. (I would buy that book. I would buy that book so hard.)

Date: 2009-12-15 06:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you! If Malcolm were to write a kids book, I'd be down the bookstore in a second (the show's writers should get onto that) .

Date: 2009-12-15 02:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] neverfaraway.livejournal.com
This is just such utter genius!

For this spider was the best web spinner in all the land.

Yes, Malcolm. Yes you are!

I'm seconding the desire to buy this book. All my friends and relatives would be getting a copy for Christmas XD



Date: 2009-12-15 06:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you! And he is, he really is XD

Date: 2009-12-15 11:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] missfoxie.livejournal.com
I'm cackling SO HARD right now.

GENIUS. And the Malcolm-Nicola exchange is just perfect.

Date: 2009-12-23 11:39 pm (UTC)
marsleuthial: (Default)
From: [personal profile] marsleuthial
♥ ♥ ♥

Bloody brilliant, this is :D Hilarious, especially so when read in Malcolm's voice.

Great!

Date: 2010-04-18 07:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cosmiclaire.livejournal.com
That was brilliant- truly in the spirit of the series. You should post it on fanfiction.net (I created the "Thick of It" category and my story is lonely over there, lol). Fabulous job. When I read the part about the teddy I laughed so hard that I thought my lungs would explode.

Re: Great!

Date: 2010-04-19 09:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you! Great to know you liked it. I'm not a big fan of FF.Net so I archive over at Achieve of Our Own. However, you should join [livejournal.com profile] the_thickofit, where most of the TTOI fanfic is on LJ, and pimp your fic. I've read the first chapter so far and you've character voices are wonderful.

Date: 2010-05-18 10:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] duckface666.livejournal.com
My god this is amazing!
I've only recently got into TToI but I immediately shipped Nicola/Malcolm just cus that's the way I roll (and I can't have him, how bleak that I'm living vicariously through Nicola of all people...) and I LOVE their interaction here.
Could I possibly friend you please? I'd love to see anything else you do.
xx

Date: 2010-05-19 11:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you! I ship them as well, and I'm really glad you liked their interaction (really the story could have done without it, but I couldn't resist putting them in there).

And yes, you can friend me :)

Love

Date: 2010-06-05 07:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mcflea.livejournal.com
You've just made my life, mate!
I want a signed first edition :D

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