meddow: Malcolm and Nicola from The Thick of It (Nicola)
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I was going to do an episode review, but ended up writing fic instead. Well, somebody had to write it.

The Angry Spider by Malcolm Tucker
Author: [livejournal.com profile] meddow
Rating: PG-13 for language (of course)
Warnings: It's a children's book written by Malcolm Tucker. So, strong language and violent sexual imagery.
Spoilers: For episode 3x08
Summary: 'There once was an angry spider.'

The Angry Spider by Malcolm Tucker.

There once was an angry spider.

This spider was angry not because he’d failed to catch a fly, or because he’d woken up on the wrong side of the bed.

Oh no. He was angry because he’d been swept down a fucking drainpipe. Not just swept, he was fucking pushed. And he wasn’t angry, he was furious. His wrath, it could be felt in the hills and it could he felt in the seas. It could be heard on the plains and heard in the fucking coal mines. And it was known to all the little insects in little happy insect town in magic insect land.

And this wrath – this terrifying force of nature - was directed at the being that pushed him.

Fuck it, the publisher’s outline calls for a prey mantis, but this guy can be a rat. A big fucking plague carrying rat with two great big shiny fucking bald heads and psychotic tendencies. This rat was the handsome spider’s arch nemesis, a being so fucking evil, it’s plotting the murder of your parents and the fucking arse rape of your teddy bear right now.

But the cunning spider, he was not down and he was not out. No matter what the fucking hack journalists of fucking magic insect land said.

Because, you know and I know, kids, that spiders can spin webs. And this spider had spun a web. A web lined with black magic and fucking razor blades. For this spider was the best web spinner in all the land.

And one dark, dark night when the moon had risen and the wolves were howling, the spider called upon the dark lords of the underworld and he beseeched them, ‘send me the rat.’

The dark lords of the underworld listened to this humble spider’s prayer. They sent out a signal and the rat came running, running for the spider, lunging for the kill, only to become entangled in the clever spider’s web.

The web wrapped around the rat’s neck and its claws, getting tighter and tighter as the rat struggled, burying itself into the rats flesh and sawing through its bones. All the while the vengeful spider watched on.

It was pure fucking carnage.

And when the bleeding had stopped and the rat ceased to writhe, the victorious spider climbed upon its mutilated hide.

‘I will not be fucked!’ he roared.

And the pheasants of and villagers of happy insect town cheered for their two-headed, baldy, snivelling, plague-carrying oppressor had been defeated and their rightful ruler restored.

And they all lived happily ever after.


“It’s moving tale about the little guy overcoming oppression and adversity. Like Harry Potter.”

“But with more garrotting? Malcolm, I’m not letting my child or any child read this.”

“What? You’d rather have him read about an obese caterpillar? What’s that teaching them? Eat and eat and eat and eat and you’ll become a fucking butterfly? More like eat and eat and eat and you’ll be lifted out of your house one day by a fucking crane.”

“The dodgy moral of The Very Hungry Caterpillar aside, do I start with the language....”

“I edited it,” Malcolm interjected.

“...the violence, or the blatant self-insert that is your protagonist?”

“Everybody’s a fucking critic. Not even if I give you a signed first edition copy?”

Nicola shook her head.

“Well, if I can’t even get you the fucking queen of fucking shit ideas to endorse it, good thing I kept my day job, I suppose,” he said with a grin that managed to be both devilish and charming at the same time.

As Malcolm strode out of her office with his re-found sense of purpose, Nicola sunk back into her chair and wished that just once the lords of the underworld or whatever evil deity that kept Malcolm Tucker lord of Downing Street would side with her.
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