meddow: Lix Storm (Default)
[personal profile] meddow
I watched this movie a few months ago, and it's stuck in my mind for some time, because it is a very memorable movie (as you shall see if you read further) and also because that due to the presence of Mr Peter Capaldi, it has become my crack Malcolm Tucker backstory. And after being inspired by a conversation over at [livejournal.com profile] the_thickofit, here I go, picspamming an 1980s movies you all shall probably never watch, but if you read the below, you shall see that his movie really does have to be seen to be believed.



A quick run down before we begin. The Lair of the White Worm is a so-bad-it's-good horror-comedy film from 1988 made by Ken Russell. It took a lot of creative licence with the Bram Stoker novel of the same name. The reason it caught my attention was that it happens to star a young Peter Capaldi and a young Hugh Grant, who are both very hot in this movie. It's completely bizarre in a kind of awesome way (two words: Snake Vampires), and the ending is definitely fantastic.

The film's basically one giant piss-take of the common horror trope that female sexuality=evil, so it of course goes completely over the top with the promiscuous evil doer, the sacrificial virgin and more phallic symbols being wielded around than you can shake a stick at.

Word of warning: this film passes the Jamie McDonald test of movie quality, meaning there will be blood. And also, there will be tits.



We start the movie meeting Angus, the young Scottish archaeologist who is currently staying at a boarding house being run by two sisters. Being an adorkable Scottsman, if this movie was made today (and I doubt it would), he would maybe played by James McAvoy, if it was the late 1990 to mid 2000s, David Tennant maybe. But this was made in the late 1980s, so it's Peter Capaldi! Yay!



One day, young Angus dug up a bloody great big skull that he believed to be a dinosaur.



As we learn through the medium of country rock, dance and gigantic Chinese dragon style worm puppets, it turns out that where Angus is digging, there's a local legend about a bloody great big worm. (I have to give this film credit for being creative with its exposition dump). That bloody great big worm was slayed by the lord of the manor who's direct descendent happens to be:



Hugh Grant. Wooo! And is that a big phallic symbol he's carrying, or is he just happy to be in this movie?



Anyway, so Hugh Grant and Angus meet and have slashy chemistry. And fangirl minds are blown because that there is the dude who plays Malcolm Tucker, The Thick of It's Lord of Darkness, having wonderfully slashy chemistry with Mr Love, Actually.



“So what will you be doing in 2010”
“I'll make one big smash hit Richard Curtis rom com in a few years and play either stuttering sweet Englishmen or English bastards with heart of gold in Hollywood rom coms for the rest of my career and by 2010, Meddow won't be able to watch my movies anymore because the thought of me attempting the same shtick when I'm clearly getting to old to pull it off makes her deeply sad. How about you?”
“Well, I'll win an Oscar, which shall be followed by an unfortunate career flat-line and end up guest staring on Midsommer Murders, then I'll have a career revival playing magnificent bastards and sympathetic villains which shall see me nicely set up with the politics, science fiction and bitcom fangirls, some of whom may track down this movie.”



It's random screencap of Peter Capaldi being adorkable time.



Anyway, so the mysterious neighbour has arrive back at her home.



And she's broken and entered the house of the sisters and found the skull. And this is bad because...



SHE'S A SNAKE VAMPIRE! (Who apparently has issues with Christianity)



So one of the sisters arrives home, touches the crucifix and it's psychedelic dream sequence involving Jesus, a giant snake and nuns being raped by Roman soldier time. Yes, Jesus is in this movie! (Only in psychedelic dreams though).



If that wasn't enough to establish evil neighbour is evil, get get a glimpse into her crazy in a scene involving a Boy Scout who thinks all his dreams have come true. Nightmares maybe.



She gets interrupted by Hugh Grant to comes for a visit and gets creeped out.



Later that night, Hugh Grant's all like 'Hmmmm'



Time for a wacky dream sequence in which the female cast dress up as air-stewardesses and fight.



Hugh Grant enjoys this.



So Hugh Grant has a bright idea that all the weird stuff going on has something to do with the worm legend, and drags them all caving and he and Angus argue.

“If Meddow is going to propose this is crack Malcolm Tucker back-story, isn't it quite possible that by another stretch of the imagination Love, Actually could be included in this crazy little scenario, after all, I am in this and I was in that playing the PM and we've never seen the PM in The Thick Of It?”
“That idea's more terrifying than this whole movie.”



Meanwhile, one of the sisters on her way home encounters evil snake vampire neighbour, giving the evil snake vampire neighbour her virgin sacrifice. Oh no!



Our heroes realise that one of their number is missing and discuss the possibility of there being a giant worm worshipped as a pagan deity behind everything.



And we know it's all gotten serious now because the glasses have come off.



So Hugh Grant has an idea: music! And yes, it does turn out that a weakness of snake vampires is that the do catch dancing fever. And it works.



Swing that sword, Hugh Grant!



And, err, fall into the drum kit.



But oh no, it's not the snake vampire overlord, it's the missing mother of the sisters who has herself become a snake vampire.



The next day, sister that isn't imprisoned decides to help the friendly police officer with his enquires. She has obviously not watched enough horror movies.



Because this was coming from a mile away.



Oh, no! All is lost!



Except Angus turns up. And he has BAGPIPES!



Okay, I given the whole snake charmer angle, I get the bagpipes, but why does he need the kilt?



Anyway, police dude is despatched with the requisite amount of gore.



So Angus goes snake vampire queen hunting, injecting himself with something along the way (this will become a plot point).



And pulls out a Mongoose from his kilt to track down snake vampire queen. He was keeping that Mongoose WHERE?



But oh no!



She is a crafty one this snake vampire queen what with her earplugs. And yes, she is covered head to toe in body paint and is not wearing a bra. So while she gains smart points for the earplugs, she has to lose them for deciding to run around naked during the climax of the movie. How are you supposed to beat the good guys without proper support?



So, snake vampire has her virgin sacrifice, the other chick is tied up and Angus is dead. Where's our hero?



Caving, that's where he is. Fail.



So basically, they're fucked. And given that snake vampire queen is going to sacrifice the virgin by means of a gigantic strap-on dildo stake thing, that pun was intended.



But: Hugh Grant's actions in the cave (namely pumping gas through it) serves to force out the worm.



And Angus isn't dead! Yay!



So one thing leads to another, and before you know it, snake vampire queen is clutching onto her virgin sacrifice for her life, with Angus sawing through her wrist with a knife. He's successful.



Now the queen of the snake vampires is dead, that only leaves the bloody great big worm (Angus: “Holy shit!”) Thankfully, Angus has something for that too: a grenade. I want to know where he gets his equipment from, because, how many archaeologists can really source grenades overnight?



Snake goes boom and the Angus and the girls run outside, where Angus reveals the secret to his survival: he had an anti venom synthesised (he got hold of some venom in a scene I couldn't be arsed including in this picspam) You know, this movie may be bad, but Angus is a pretty damn smart hero. I'd take him for a saviour, and not just because I have a crush on Peter Capaldi.



And every is relieved because they've defeated the snake vampire overlord and shall forever more be safe from powerful monsters that demand sacrifices of virgins.



Err...yeah.



Meanwhile in the caves, Hugh Grant is drinking tea, the beverage of champions.



So he arrives back and is all: I have a plan for how we're going to defeat the monster. Angus is not all that impressed.



“You're the shittiest hero ever. You're worse than Jack fucking Harkness.”



“There, there, old chap. At least you didn't end up going all murder-suicide on everyone this time, did you?”



“Suppose you're right. Let's make out go to the pub and have a drink.”



But the celebration is interrupted by a very important phone call.



It's Gina McKee. Judy from In the Loop Gina McKee.



Hey, I wonder what those two actors will be doing twenty years down the track?



She's a nurse and there's been a screw up. She's got his anti-venom. Turns out, they sent him the wrong one.



Poor Angus. All that careful planning, only to be defeated medical incompetence.



Anyway, a freak out ensues.



But in record time Angus seems to become cool about being a snake vampire.



Hugh Grant: Look, I don't know about you, but I famished. Do you want to stop on the way for a bite?
Angus: Why not



THE END

Okay, so obviously, this became my crack Malcolm backstory, because if somehow you've become a snake vampire as the result of shitty hospital screw up and you've also killed your god, then what else are you going to do but go into politics?

Date: 2010-03-26 02:26 am (UTC)
ext_41681: (Malcolm - plotting your doom.  yes yours)
From: [identity profile] catslash.livejournal.com
We have a family tradition of watching Love, Actually while wrapping presents on Christmas Eve; this past year, when it got to the part with the curtain rising on the PM and Natalie kissing, I couldn't stop giggling over imagining Malcolm's reaction to that.

This is a fun post! Your running commentary is funny and some of the visuals from the movie are just superspecial. Thanks for taking the time to do this!

Date: 2010-03-26 02:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Lol. I'll be imagining that forever more when watching that movie myself from now on.

And thank you! I feel all appreciated now. You've actually made my day.

Date: 2010-03-26 02:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] faustian.livejournal.com
“You're the shittiest hero ever. You're worse that Jack fucking Harkness.”

LOL.

Date: 2010-03-26 02:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
I should really stop making Torchwood jokes. But it's just so damn easy.

Date: 2010-03-26 03:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greenpixiehair.livejournal.com

My mind is blown, my day is made. Torchwood quips and Hugh fucking Grant.

I cannot stop internally squealing over how ridiculously pretty and delectable baby!Peter Capaldi is.

Date: 2010-03-26 04:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greenpixiehair.livejournal.com

also now I really really need to get a copy of Local Hero so I can shamelessly jump on the picspamming bandwagon. It has Peter with a BUNNEH.

Image

Date: 2010-03-26 04:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Bunny! Do picspam it, do!

Date: 2010-03-26 04:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greenpixiehair.livejournal.com

It was his first film and I saw this interview where he said he wasn't any good at acting, he was just a bit of a spaz and that's what they needed ♥ (his character is basically a male version of the "cute clumsy girl" stereotype.)

I've lent the DVD out to a friend but when I get it back I definitely will.

Date: 2010-03-26 04:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
he said he wasn't any good at acting, he was just a bit of a spaz and that's what they needed

Awwww. :)

Date: 2010-03-26 04:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greenpixiehair.livejournal.com

IKR? And then told a story about how he kept doing stupid things like yawning really fakely at the camera to show it was morning, and the director was just like "they can see the sun coming up, they know it's morning!" I can just imagine everyone being charmed and frustrated by his adorable inexperience *mind wanders*

Date: 2010-03-26 04:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
XD Every time I think I can't possibly love Peter Capaldi more, I discover an anecdote like that.

Do you have a link to his interview?

Date: 2010-03-26 05:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greenpixiehair.livejournal.com


Found it! here (http://meddow.livejournal.com/186479.html?thread=1020783). He calls himself a twat and does the fake yawn :D his bit is the first minute or so.

Date: 2010-03-26 05:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Thank you, but the link doesn't work.

Date: 2010-03-26 05:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greenpixiehair.livejournal.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pT9-371K0c

Does that work?

Date: 2010-03-26 05:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Yes. Thank you so much!

Date: 2010-03-26 05:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greenpixiehair.livejournal.com

No problem! ♥

Date: 2010-03-26 03:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lucinatrivia.livejournal.com
Oh please do!

The amazing thing is that he was chosen after a conversation in a room, not after Bill Forsyth seeing him run down a street ;)

Date: 2010-03-26 09:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greenpixiehair.livejournal.com

He has the girliest, flailiest, most adorable run in the known universe.

Date: 2010-03-26 04:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greenpixiehair.livejournal.com

It made my fangirl heart explode. It's almost like his character in that was designed especially for me to go AWWWWWW WANT TO HUG YOUUUUU

Date: 2010-03-26 04:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] britfan1013.livejournal.com
Me too. XD

Date: 2010-03-26 04:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
I love your icon. That's one of my very favourite scenes.

1980s!Peter is so gorgeous (and so young!).

Date: 2010-03-26 04:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greenpixiehair.livejournal.com

Awww, thanks! When I saw it I actually said something out loud about UNREASONABLE AMOUNTS OF SEXUAL TENSION and I got a roomful of assenting mumbles from my mates.

He really is, with the hair and the glasses and the UNF.

Date: 2010-03-26 04:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] erinpuff.livejournal.com
LOL THE HAIR.

That is all.

Date: 2010-03-26 04:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
There's so much of it!

Date: 2010-03-26 04:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] icecrystal2k.livejournal.com
Haha, so excellent.

Beautiful boyish Peter Capaldi all scuffed up and smudged with dirt.

I... can't actually look away. Must be snake vampire hypnotism powers...

Date: 2010-03-26 04:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
I think it's the dirt factor that make those last shots hypnotic. Hot actor + dirt = UNF

Date: 2010-03-26 04:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] britfan1013.livejournal.com
“So what will you be doing in 2010”
“I'll make one big smash hit Richard Curtis rom com in a few years and play either stuttering sweet Englishmen or English bastards with heart of gold in Hollywood rom coms for the rest of my career and by 2010, Meddow won't be able to watch my movies anymore because the thought of me attempting the same shtick when I'm clearly getting to old to pull it off makes her deeply sad. How about you?”
“Well, I'll win an Oscar, which shall be followed by an unfortunate career flat-line and end up guest staring on Midsommer Murders, then I'll have a career revival playing magnificent bastards and sympathetic villains which shall see me nicely set up with the politics, science fiction and bitcom fangirls, some of whom may track down this movie.”

Hahaha!
Love the picspam. I had the same reaction when seeing Gina McKee as well. XD

Date: 2010-03-26 04:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Gina McKee showing up was really the cherry on top of the end of this movie.

Date: 2010-03-28 04:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] britfan1013.livejournal.com
IKR. :)
Have you seen this (http://pics.livejournal.com/britfan1013/pic/00013x23) pic?

Date: 2010-03-28 04:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Guh! No, I hadn't.

Thanks for pointing me to it. Best. Picture. Ever.

Date: 2010-03-26 06:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] arathesane.livejournal.com
This is beyond amazing. Beyond fucking amazing.

Also, does Hugh Grant bathe in the blood of virgins or something? I mean, he clearly looks young in this but he doesn't look all that different to me!

Oh, and do you mind if I steal some of these caps? I am always on the lookout for ones with Capaldi in them that feature "the hair".

Date: 2010-03-26 06:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
I think Hugh Grant looks rather plastic these days, so blood of virgins, maybe not, but there may be some intervention.

Snag away. I actually uploaded all the screencaps I took here (http://www.mediafire.com/?nzmnte0jzd3). It's a large file though (105 screencaps, 161mb).

Date: 2010-03-26 06:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] arathesane.livejournal.com
Oh yeah, he's definitely had work done, but I still think, like, bone structure wise and stuff he really doesn't look much different.

Heh, that's not large compared to some of the stuff I snag! Thanks!

Date: 2010-03-26 12:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] patsch.livejournal.com
Oh my God, thanks so much for capping this movie! Thank you! I need to see it!

Young Peter Capaldi makes me all kinds of happy, especially when he's covered in blood. But even that pales in comparison to seeing him in a kilt. o_O

You know, I can totally accept this as Malcolm's cracky backstory. Does that mean Jamie is a snake vampire, too, or did he in all the years of working under Malcolm never notice his sporadical murder sprees?
And Hugh Grant as the PM? Hah! That gives a whole new meaning to those "Don't let the PM smile on camera" bits in TTOI.

Date: 2010-03-26 08:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
Nah, I think if Jamie were a supernatural creature, he'd be a werewolf. Now, just make Sam a ghost and it's Being Human, with more swearing.

I prefer the blood and dirt to the kilt, but that's a me thing :)

And you so should check the movie out. There's a tonne of random bizarre stuff that I left out.

Date: 2010-03-26 11:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] patsch.livejournal.com
Oh, I'd kill to see Malcolm, Jamie and Sam have those inane conversation Mitchell, George and Annie have. The bickering, the bondings. Heh.

Blood and dirt is awesome, but what can I say, I've got a thing for everything Scottish. And it's the kilt/cosy jumper combo that really does it.

I've already put it on my amazon wishlist to remind me to get it. I love Ken Russell films. Nobody does crack like him.

Date: 2010-03-26 12:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] itchy-stitches.livejournal.com
I have never laughed so much in my life! And I haven't even seen the film yet, just the pics!

The amount of hair! The jumper! The bag pipes! haha

Date: 2010-03-26 08:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
You should watch the film. Watching it, I alternate between cracking up and cheering, and wanting to hide behind the couch at the awfulness. There's a fine line between brilliance and bad and this movie wanders all over it.

Date: 2010-03-26 12:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cannibalcake.livejournal.com
God I love this movie like nobody's business.

He was keeping that Mongoose WHERE?

I've wondered this for 10 years.

Date: 2010-03-26 08:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
I've wondered this for 10 years.

I find it's like that tree falling in a woods, does it make a sound question. You start to think about the logistics, and it scrambles your brain.

Date: 2010-03-26 03:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lucinatrivia.livejournal.com
OH that's just beautiful. Especially the last picture. Poor Peter Capaldi, everything bad that's ever happened to him had to happen to restore karmic order to the universe. It's the price he had to pay for being so lovely.

Your commentary more than does justice to the film - I remember reading an article somewhere (no idea where though) where Peter talks about how when they were shooting it, they were told it was a very serious film, and then he was somewhat surprised to find Ken Russell tell everyone it was a comedy. Also about how he 'mistakenly' stumbled into the studio where they were filming the orgy scenes.

Whoever did the costumes for this must have done lots of research into Geeky Fashion For The Dorky Gent. The kilt is obviously there because of its superior mongoose-hiding possibilities. Also because it's a nice fashion complement to Hugh Grant in caving gear. That scene is ridiculously slashy. It is one of so many 80s films that leave you wondering what would have happened had they had the internet and slash back then...

I'd never spotted the Gina McKee thing before! Obviously she is part of the crack!backstory too and has spent 20 years monitoring Malcolm on the dark side, even disguising herself as a civil servant and getting Simon Foster to start a war through the power of mis-speaking to do it.

Of all the many wonderful bits of symbolism in this film, my favourite is that you can tell the good girls because even when they are strung up as virgin sacrifices, they keep their clean white undies on.

If Meddow is going to propose this is crack Malcolm Tucker back-story, isn't it quite possible that by another stretch of the imagination Love, Actually could be included in this crazy little scenario, after all, I am in this and I was in that playing the PM and we've never seen the PM in The Thick Of It?”

This is quite possibly the best idea anyone has ever had for a TTOI plot. Now I'm going to picture them dancing around in Number Ten to that Girls Aloud Jump! video.

I'm just going to sit and stare at the screen now.

Date: 2010-03-26 08:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meddow.livejournal.com
That last picture is my favourite as well.

they were told it was a very serious film

I didn't know that, but it doesn't surprise me in the least. The actors are playing it incredibly straight, which adds to the funny. That's a bit cruel to mislead the actors like that though.

That scene is ridiculously slashy.

The best thing about it is that I suspect it was slashy on purpose. After all, sexually active women are teh evil.

Obviously she is part of the crack!backstory too and has spent 20 years monitoring Malcolm on the dark side, even disguising herself as a civil servant and getting Simon Foster to start a war through the power of mis-speaking to do it.

Ooh. I like that idea better than what I was thinking, that Malcolm's hostility towards Judy was a result of the whole turning him into a snake vampire with her incompetency thing.

Now I'm going to picture them dancing around in Number Ten to that Girls Aloud Jump! video.

I just pictured that, and now I can't stop. I think you've broken my brain.

Date: 2010-03-27 10:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lucinatrivia.livejournal.com
I didn't know that, but it doesn't surprise me in the least. The actors are playing it incredibly straight, which adds to the funny. That's a bit cruel to mislead the actors like that though.

It's not so much that he misled them - he thought it was serious until he realised people were laughing at it. I really can't imagine Hugh taking it terribly seriously (but can totally imagine young Peter trying very hard to do what he's told...)

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