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[personal profile] meddow
I watched this movie a few months ago, and it's stuck in my mind for some time, because it is a very memorable movie (as you shall see if you read further) and also because that due to the presence of Mr Peter Capaldi, it has become my crack Malcolm Tucker backstory. And after being inspired by a conversation over at [livejournal.com profile] the_thickofit, here I go, picspamming an 1980s movies you all shall probably never watch, but if you read the below, you shall see that his movie really does have to be seen to be believed.



A quick run down before we begin. The Lair of the White Worm is a so-bad-it's-good horror-comedy film from 1988 made by Ken Russell. It took a lot of creative licence with the Bram Stoker novel of the same name. The reason it caught my attention was that it happens to star a young Peter Capaldi and a young Hugh Grant, who are both very hot in this movie. It's completely bizarre in a kind of awesome way (two words: Snake Vampires), and the ending is definitely fantastic.

The film's basically one giant piss-take of the common horror trope that female sexuality=evil, so it of course goes completely over the top with the promiscuous evil doer, the sacrificial virgin and more phallic symbols being wielded around than you can shake a stick at.

Word of warning: this film passes the Jamie McDonald test of movie quality, meaning there will be blood. And also, there will be tits.



We start the movie meeting Angus, the young Scottish archaeologist who is currently staying at a boarding house being run by two sisters. Being an adorkable Scottsman, if this movie was made today (and I doubt it would), he would maybe played by James McAvoy, if it was the late 1990 to mid 2000s, David Tennant maybe. But this was made in the late 1980s, so it's Peter Capaldi! Yay!



One day, young Angus dug up a bloody great big skull that he believed to be a dinosaur.



As we learn through the medium of country rock, dance and gigantic Chinese dragon style worm puppets, it turns out that where Angus is digging, there's a local legend about a bloody great big worm. (I have to give this film credit for being creative with its exposition dump). That bloody great big worm was slayed by the lord of the manor who's direct descendent happens to be:



Hugh Grant. Wooo! And is that a big phallic symbol he's carrying, or is he just happy to be in this movie?



Anyway, so Hugh Grant and Angus meet and have slashy chemistry. And fangirl minds are blown because that there is the dude who plays Malcolm Tucker, The Thick of It's Lord of Darkness, having wonderfully slashy chemistry with Mr Love, Actually.



“So what will you be doing in 2010”
“I'll make one big smash hit Richard Curtis rom com in a few years and play either stuttering sweet Englishmen or English bastards with heart of gold in Hollywood rom coms for the rest of my career and by 2010, Meddow won't be able to watch my movies anymore because the thought of me attempting the same shtick when I'm clearly getting to old to pull it off makes her deeply sad. How about you?”
“Well, I'll win an Oscar, which shall be followed by an unfortunate career flat-line and end up guest staring on Midsommer Murders, then I'll have a career revival playing magnificent bastards and sympathetic villains which shall see me nicely set up with the politics, science fiction and bitcom fangirls, some of whom may track down this movie.”



It's random screencap of Peter Capaldi being adorkable time.



Anyway, so the mysterious neighbour has arrive back at her home.



And she's broken and entered the house of the sisters and found the skull. And this is bad because...



SHE'S A SNAKE VAMPIRE! (Who apparently has issues with Christianity)



So one of the sisters arrives home, touches the crucifix and it's psychedelic dream sequence involving Jesus, a giant snake and nuns being raped by Roman soldier time. Yes, Jesus is in this movie! (Only in psychedelic dreams though).



If that wasn't enough to establish evil neighbour is evil, get get a glimpse into her crazy in a scene involving a Boy Scout who thinks all his dreams have come true. Nightmares maybe.



She gets interrupted by Hugh Grant to comes for a visit and gets creeped out.



Later that night, Hugh Grant's all like 'Hmmmm'



Time for a wacky dream sequence in which the female cast dress up as air-stewardesses and fight.



Hugh Grant enjoys this.



So Hugh Grant has a bright idea that all the weird stuff going on has something to do with the worm legend, and drags them all caving and he and Angus argue.

“If Meddow is going to propose this is crack Malcolm Tucker back-story, isn't it quite possible that by another stretch of the imagination Love, Actually could be included in this crazy little scenario, after all, I am in this and I was in that playing the PM and we've never seen the PM in The Thick Of It?”
“That idea's more terrifying than this whole movie.”



Meanwhile, one of the sisters on her way home encounters evil snake vampire neighbour, giving the evil snake vampire neighbour her virgin sacrifice. Oh no!



Our heroes realise that one of their number is missing and discuss the possibility of there being a giant worm worshipped as a pagan deity behind everything.



And we know it's all gotten serious now because the glasses have come off.



So Hugh Grant has an idea: music! And yes, it does turn out that a weakness of snake vampires is that the do catch dancing fever. And it works.



Swing that sword, Hugh Grant!



And, err, fall into the drum kit.



But oh no, it's not the snake vampire overlord, it's the missing mother of the sisters who has herself become a snake vampire.



The next day, sister that isn't imprisoned decides to help the friendly police officer with his enquires. She has obviously not watched enough horror movies.



Because this was coming from a mile away.



Oh, no! All is lost!



Except Angus turns up. And he has BAGPIPES!



Okay, I given the whole snake charmer angle, I get the bagpipes, but why does he need the kilt?



Anyway, police dude is despatched with the requisite amount of gore.



So Angus goes snake vampire queen hunting, injecting himself with something along the way (this will become a plot point).



And pulls out a Mongoose from his kilt to track down snake vampire queen. He was keeping that Mongoose WHERE?



But oh no!



She is a crafty one this snake vampire queen what with her earplugs. And yes, she is covered head to toe in body paint and is not wearing a bra. So while she gains smart points for the earplugs, she has to lose them for deciding to run around naked during the climax of the movie. How are you supposed to beat the good guys without proper support?



So, snake vampire has her virgin sacrifice, the other chick is tied up and Angus is dead. Where's our hero?



Caving, that's where he is. Fail.



So basically, they're fucked. And given that snake vampire queen is going to sacrifice the virgin by means of a gigantic strap-on dildo stake thing, that pun was intended.



But: Hugh Grant's actions in the cave (namely pumping gas through it) serves to force out the worm.



And Angus isn't dead! Yay!



So one thing leads to another, and before you know it, snake vampire queen is clutching onto her virgin sacrifice for her life, with Angus sawing through her wrist with a knife. He's successful.



Now the queen of the snake vampires is dead, that only leaves the bloody great big worm (Angus: “Holy shit!”) Thankfully, Angus has something for that too: a grenade. I want to know where he gets his equipment from, because, how many archaeologists can really source grenades overnight?



Snake goes boom and the Angus and the girls run outside, where Angus reveals the secret to his survival: he had an anti venom synthesised (he got hold of some venom in a scene I couldn't be arsed including in this picspam) You know, this movie may be bad, but Angus is a pretty damn smart hero. I'd take him for a saviour, and not just because I have a crush on Peter Capaldi.



And every is relieved because they've defeated the snake vampire overlord and shall forever more be safe from powerful monsters that demand sacrifices of virgins.



Err...yeah.



Meanwhile in the caves, Hugh Grant is drinking tea, the beverage of champions.



So he arrives back and is all: I have a plan for how we're going to defeat the monster. Angus is not all that impressed.



“You're the shittiest hero ever. You're worse than Jack fucking Harkness.”



“There, there, old chap. At least you didn't end up going all murder-suicide on everyone this time, did you?”



“Suppose you're right. Let's make out go to the pub and have a drink.”



But the celebration is interrupted by a very important phone call.



It's Gina McKee. Judy from In the Loop Gina McKee.



Hey, I wonder what those two actors will be doing twenty years down the track?



She's a nurse and there's been a screw up. She's got his anti-venom. Turns out, they sent him the wrong one.



Poor Angus. All that careful planning, only to be defeated medical incompetence.



Anyway, a freak out ensues.



But in record time Angus seems to become cool about being a snake vampire.



Hugh Grant: Look, I don't know about you, but I famished. Do you want to stop on the way for a bite?
Angus: Why not



THE END

Okay, so obviously, this became my crack Malcolm backstory, because if somehow you've become a snake vampire as the result of shitty hospital screw up and you've also killed your god, then what else are you going to do but go into politics?
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meddow

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