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I'm still going on with the Torchwood watching. I think I'm managing about two a week.

How on earth do you take Jack Harkness – a character I loved when he first appeared in Doctor Who – and after a few episodes have me rooting for his team to kick his arse?

I have no idea, but that was what I was pondering while watching End of Days.

The Jack characterisation is my general bother with this episode. On the on hand we have Jack One, with his very heroic good guy Doctor Who characterisation. Yes, he had a past, but that was all over with after the Doctor Dances. He doesn’t fire his gun, he falls in line behind the Doctor and never suggests any action even close to being morally dodgy.

Then we have Jack Two, the Torchwood characterisation, in which it is pointed out by Owen that he has been erasing people’s memories, shooting people dead and generally being a grey mysterious figure.

I know why there are two Jack characterisations. Jack One has to cater for a general audience. However, Jack One and Jack Two just don’t mesh. You don’t see Jack Two at all when Jack One’s in action which makes you sit there and wonder where the hell Jack One is when watching Jack Two since he seems to have had a personality transfer. Which just makes me pissed at Jack Two.

And End of Days managed to prove that just because something has a giant monster in it, does not necessarily mean I will enjoy it.

On the other hand Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang was jam packed with cracktastic goodness. Torchwood should always be like that.

So the Torchwood crew spent a bit of time in the episode moaning about Jack had just abandoned them, so I thought, instead of a review, I could make a few suggestions of potential Jack replacements should ever to swan off with the Doctor again. And every new boss needs to first of all motivate the team with a speech don't they?

---


Donna Noble: Do you lot have any idea how long it took me to convince the Doctor to pay a visit to Club Med? A place where there are no aliens or plots or any running to be done? Where they have running water and food and the insects never get bigger than my foot? I could be sitting on beach right now with a pina colada watching the Doctor scare away the hotel staff, but instead I’m stuck here in this damp, backwater hellhole babysitting you lot because you can’t stand to be away from your leader for five minutes. I mean Cardiff? Cardiff!? Of all the places to put a rift, there had to be one in Cardiff?

Oh my god the universe is out to get me. That’s got to be it.

Now I have two orders of business. One, where the hell is my latte? And, two, from now on if anyone around here is going to get shagged, it’s gonna be me.

---


Maria: Jack originally asked Sarah to cover for him. But she didn’t want to.
Clyde: Said a few choice things about it, actually.
Luke: Like how she’s rather lead guided tours of Skaro.
Maria: We have no idea where that is so it might not be a bad thing.
Clyde: Anyway, she said that you’d probably learn more from us anyway.
Maria: So here we are. We can do pretty much everything that Jack can do.
Clyde: And more. Well, Luke's smarter.
Luke: As long as we don’t get killed and we’re home before nine.
Clyde: You weren’t supposed to tell them that. What’s the point of being post Watershed if you’re going to stick to the rules?
Maria: Clyde
Clyde: But we can swear and shag around and shoot people and wear lots of black and stand on building roofs looking all serious.
Maria: Yeah, but why would we want to?
Luke: Mum says swearing achieves nothing except for illustrating a limited vocabulary…What is shagging?
Maria: Okay, weren’t not going there. But don’t worry about the nine thing, we’ve saved the planet loads more times than you lot and we’ve always managed to do it before tea time.

---


Gene Hunt: Right. Listen up you nancys. There’s a new sheriff in town and no scummy alien bastards are taking over this planet on my watch. Now I know you’ve been relying on you ‘forensics’ and your ‘mathematical models.’ Well it’s time to leave the science at the door and use something that’s been proven to work in the real world – my gut. And if you have any problems with that, I have two detectives and coma patient from 2073 just waiting to have your desks.

---


I was going to do one for Noah Bennet. But would they really remember a speech by Noah Bennet? They’d all wind up with no memory of Torchwood except for Owen, who unfortunately dies on a bridge somewhere outside of the city from gunshot wounds sustained after he made a remark about cheerleaders.
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meddow

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