meddow

I was supposed to be working on my

tardis_bigbang fic. This crack fic is what came out instead:

Five Ways of Avoiding Martian Sex
Author:

meddow
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~375
Pairing: Ten/Donna
Summary: It’s not sex if you rationalise it.

---

“Obviously they put something in the wine, you know, so that we…”

“Yeah, happens all the time.”

“A lot of perverts in space, then?”

“Cameras in every bedroom. Even though you don’t think they are there and cannot find them when looking, they just…are…there.”

“So it’s expected.”

“Part of the tradition.”

“An important part of the cultural life of the planet Jeston Six, then?”

“Completely integral to their way of life – like saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’”

“So if we hadn’t we’d have been causing deep cultural offence.”

“We were basically just saying ‘thank you for the meal.’”

“And what with them being a species sworn to pacifism…”

“…It could have got messy if we didn’t.”

“Good thing we did then.”

---

“Spring cleaning’s an important tradition on Earth.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“And I just thought, I should thank you for the help. It’s been a while since, well, Lance… helped…”

“And you needed someone to reach the cobwebs.”

“Don’t ever use spiders in that context.”

“Okay. Right. Sorry. Just so you know. Anytime you need help.”

“Only springtime. Only one day, once a year, in springtime.”

“Right. But say…if we were in a time machine, and we happened to travel to a day in springtime in another year.”

“I suppose we could do some more spring cleaning.”

---

“Remember how you called me a long streak of alien nothing.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, a smart man – a genius actually – said that ‘Nothing can come of nothing.’”

“So whatever nothing does, is nothing.”

“Exactly.”

“Sounds about right to me.”

---

“See, now on Gallifrey, when trapped in a tiny broom cupboard hiding from manic giant hair-devouring slug monsters and about to die at any minute we have a tradition…”

“Yeah, we’ve covered this. Traditions are important. Get on with it then.”

“It’s just, I think the TARDIS could do with some manic giant hair-devouring slug monsters, don’t you?”

“How many broom cupboards does the TARDIS have?

“One hundred and three last time I counted.”

“And brooms?”

“Three quarters of one.”

“Shame to let all those cupboards go to waste.”

---

“Donna, regarding your under no circumstances will there ever be Martian sex rule.”

“Yeah.”

“You do remember that I’m not actually from Mars.”

“You do realise I used the word ‘Martian’ for a reason.”

“Oh. Right.”

“Took you long enough.”